| Deep blue, glassy lake |
[Apr. 1st, 2007|06:20 am] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | the blood is love-queens of the stone age | ] |
I swear I will get up and out of the house and dress appropriately and take out my piercings and go look for a job tomorrow.
Which is Monday.
I swear I will try and I will talk to others and I will be courteous or at least not say anything at all even if I think it and know it to be true and they deserve to hear it.
Whenever I meet people.
I swear I will start saving money for the things that I really want and not get pulled into this impulsive tract that music and friends have set from me (no that I have set for them).
When I get a paycheck.
I swear I will study and work hard and put school first in order to make good grades and do something with my life and graduate as soon as I can and take full course loads and go to school even in the summer.
When (if?) I ever get in.
But I doubt my swearing will convince my mind of these things.
I need to go clean my room.
I feel so restless and alone and quiet and awkward.
Is this how it is going to be the rest of my life? Because if so, I wish to get shot by some gang-banger soon... |
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| And it's a chance I'll have to break |
[Feb. 25th, 2007|12:43 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Smashing Pumpkins | ] |
I was thinking.
I think too much, but yet not enough.
I talk way too much.
I should be more silent.
I say nothing.
And when I do speak it is redundant.
I do not know how to properly feel.
I should restart.
So from now on, my words shall be fewer. And my eyes shall be more aware.
I need to be aware of the things that I think.
I know.
I always have. Except for once. But I was tricked and I did not know better. I have learned. Boys do not know what they mean by the words they speak. I know how much I want to feel.
I fear most of the day. And I do not want to give up my fear. It makes me who I am. I flinch. I am prepared. I am unaware.
I am hard into someone. But I know better. People do not change their minds, especially when the initial thought was incorrect to begin with. I strive off of his infrequent small chatter.
I miss things.
A lot of things.
I am so confused.
But mostly I am afraid.
Right now I know, and I will say anything. I will not expect anything.
I just want to be touched.
Lightly.
I think this will be softness for a week or so more.
But I will not talk.
Not unless...
Calls will not be made. |
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| And it's all from watching t.v. |
[Feb. 13th, 2007|08:13 pm] |
I started crying while listening to OK I Believe You But My Tommy Gun Don't.
I think I should clean my room, regardless how long it will take my to develop a new system.
Good times.
Why is is that when you are thinking of happy memories you feel more like a girl?
I think there is something wrong with my head.
It ACHESSSSSSSSSSSSS!
Damn rearranging. |
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| Your fucking house niggers! |
[Jan. 19th, 2007|07:53 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | stick it to the man-ima robot | ] |
God damn I am a pimp!
That means three more boys to add to the altogether four!
But I am not there to get little boy pretty ass.
Why can I not interact with others here? Why do people only adore me from far away? WHY DO YOU TELL ME THESE THINGS WHEN I AM GONE?
I HATE BOYS!
I love them.
I am going to eat a lot of mints now.
FUCKING DOUCHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LOVE ME PRETTY LITTLE BOYS!
I bought two new books with gift card money, and I am in love with the checkout boy at the counter, who is always working when I buy my books (which is about once a week), so I always get him and sigh. But all I can ever do is smile and not say a thing! And every time I have a pimple on my chin, just one. And is the same place, it is unusual. He probably thinks it is the same one!
Anyway...
and
 . |
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| P.S. She's 16. |
[Jan. 17th, 2007|08:30 am] |
I have been suffering from terrible migraines.
Which means that I force myself to hurl to feel better, and I hang out in my room with the lights off and the shades drawn. Which is astounding because I usually have the lights on all the time.
Not that I am afraid of the dark so much as I am afraid of what I can not accurately see. I have a great imagination when it comes to making up slightly deformed monsters.
When I am not in migraine monster mode I sleep for approximately 13 hours a day.
I only want to listen to Fergie and the song Wind It Up.
And I have fallen in love with Mos Def. I mean come on, how can you not dig the way his little facial hair does not really connect all the way through.
I am being pestered by unattractive men (not boys at all!) on myspace.
And I quit my job. Which means I have to now find two jobs.
But I have not left the house in days!
Nor have I changed.
But I have showered.
Just not, wash my hair...
I have been practicing shooting my Nerf gun. And I am getting pretty good with aiming.
I think that I may be going through a midlife crisis.
Or that I am emo...
I do not know which is which.
And the book that I have left to read, Lucky us bullshit. I know it is her memoir about being raped, I just can not get into it. And I have to finish it so that I can get rid of it. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 2nd, 2007|11:01 pm] |
I want this.
Impossible.
 |
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| Hey girl, you're feeling real uptight. |
[Jan. 2nd, 2007|07:32 pm] |
Ah, I am sick.
And I am never sick.
I have a worse headache then the constant one that I always seem to carry with me. My throat is fucked up.
But I refuse to take medicine, I never get sick. So this does not exist. And I refuse to acknowledge it.
So I will hide all the pills they will give me.
All I need is tea and to suppress all coughing in order to get better.
On the train two boys took the opportunity to look up my dress. This is not good.
I think I am delirious.
I want to talk to someone.
I lost half a family, and now I am sad.
My life is going.
And it is gone. |
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| I forgot to give you Duncan's new address! |
[Nov. 19th, 2006|01:57 pm] |
So things are not what the seem.
And they are not going the way they should.
I am better.
But I am stuck.
Without being stuck.
I miss people.
I feel ALONE!
Being with family is great, I need them. I mean I want them. But there is a difference with friends, or maybe I am just really socialy awkward.
I feel like a stranger. Even with them, how will I ever adapt to the world?
My cousin snores...loudly... |
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| A grand to two grand more |
[Oct. 23rd, 2006|05:21 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Marcy Playground | ] |
I am not doing anything.
My stomach hurts.
And my mom is threatening me because I am gaining weight.
In other news, I have just watched all episodes of clone high, and I wonder how it stayed on the air for so long. But I really dig it and think that may be the reason.
And I do not have a Halloween costume. I hate Halloween because I am too cheap to buy costume, let alone remember to think of one. So...I think that I will not go as anything really...
Music to mention that I want:
Macha
Thee Headcoatees
Blur
The Go! Team
Ted Leo and the Pharmacists
M.I.A
I figure that I will download those songs that are floating around in my mind, when I get around to it.
I am just not into anything right now. |
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| what makes the birdies sing? |
[Oct. 22nd, 2006|03:35 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | rogue wave | ] |
2)Airport.
See argument for working at a hospital.
Basically I am going through this I need human interaction bullshit and that at a airport there are so many people all going someplace and yeah.
Plus I have just finished Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close by Jonathan Safran Foer.
Who I have decided is an extremely great writer.
Notice that I use the adjective extremely because that as the last word I saw while trying to think of something to describe how I feel. How original am I? (An actual question.)
Other news, I am on my period. I do not feel girly at all, I feel like a bleeding monster that is dirty and is scaring all the townspeople. In which case they will kill me because of their unknown fear that they have for me and because they do not realize I mean them no harm.
I hate the word realize.
I am taking up all the sexual energy.
Neda do you remember Xanga Journals.
I hate boys.
And I lost my debit card in my car. Which means I have to go get a new one. Unless someone knows how to dismantle a car door. That is right. I have dropped my card in the car door.
Just
My
Luck. |
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| And I am screaming at the top of my lungs |
[Oct. 20th, 2006|11:05 am] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | the postal service | ] |
So I figure that now would be a perfect time to update.
But what about?
I guess I will look up questions on the Internet and give you the answers.
Or you could pose a question.
I just do not know what to say anymore.
Do you not know the feeling?
(Yeah I love typing on laptops!)
Edit:
The top five questions that I shall answer. (And where I have found them.)
1) Would you pass the butter?
Yes, it depends on who you are though. If you are of a disagreeable nature I may do so grudgingly or not at all. Or I may poison your butter. But if you are obese and it is highly fattening then I may not at all. Or I may do so that you can die you sooner. It just all depends but...more than likely yes.
2)Have you stopped beating your wife?
This question has no relevance to me so therefore the answer is no. (Because I do not have a wife since it is illegal to be in a same sex marriage.) But if I did have one here is my response...No I have not stopped beating her, and it is none of your business that I am beating her ass and I will keep on doing so til I beat some fucking sense into her. Why, do you ask? And how did you know? Did she tell you? Well then in that case...JANE GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE! WHAT DID I TELL YOU WHAT WILL HAPPEN IF YOU STARTED TO RUN YOUR FUCKING MOUTH! DO NOT CRY UNLESS YOU WANT MORE BITCH.....
3)How much land does a man need?
I think just enough to make him happy, if he is a good man and deserves it. But if he is man of a dictator mentality then maybe none at all so that way he will not fall into bad habits.
4)What about Bob?
I do not know Bob. But I hope that he is doing well.
5)You did what?
I have done a lot of things. And everything that I have ever done at some point I have felt really proud and really remorseful. I just wish that I could stick with one emotion. I do not like the range and the confusion. But the last thing that I have done was look at my phone to see if it was ringing. But really I was just listening to mates of states on the radio and it was not my phone ringing. Shame.
All questions where found at...http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Questions |
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| In case you lack the confindence |
[Aug. 24th, 2006|05:51 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Desaparecidos | ] |
So.
I have accepted a date from a guy because I like him...
I do not LIKE him. And I do not want him to know.
I have finally acknowledge the fact that another boy likes me...Because he proclaimed it to me and I can no longer deny it.
And.
I am making plans with David. Because I adore him. I want him. I am afraid of our expectations. Each time I talk to him he offers a little more. And this scares me because I was under the impression that we were pretending that we do not want so much from each other.
I hung out with James today.
And I have pictures from previous( nights? )
Yeah balloons are AWESOME!
Man I need to get more friends.
FUCK ALL YOU BITCHES FOR LEAVING ME! |
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| you thought I was a fool |
[Aug. 22nd, 2006|06:00 pm] |
So.
I do not know what to do with myself.
I like a boy. At moments. Then I think over all the things that are in my mind and say to myself.
"Wow, you are dumb."
Oh no no no no no no.
Moments of insecurity really mess up your day.
And I also think of the relationships I have made with my friends.
I wonder what they think of us. I wonder what our impact is.
I miss BFFs.
Oh my my my my my my.
So.
Laters.
I will be back tomorrow.
My body is shaking like I am tweaking.
And I think I am.
Oh.
yeah? |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 21st, 2006|12:36 am] |
I will make time.
But this really is just a...
"why do i feel so awkward?"
kind of thing.
You Know? |
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| Nice shirt |
[Aug. 4th, 2006|09:05 pm] |
Have not been here for awhile,
my mom makes me really sad.
Life sucks at this moment.
I hope my throat becomes the death of me.
What am I to do?
More later as I pack... |
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| I barely been gone |
[Jul. 22nd, 2006|08:31 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | rilo kiley | ] |
So.
Last night.
We pick them up...whatevs. And then we go play pool.
I suck at pool and try to fall asleep.
Ski pulls a suduko square thing out of his pocket and gives it to me, since he remember that I did it while I was at work.
My stomach flopped and I realized how much of a girl I am.
Then we get alcohol.
We go to the pier.
Stuff happens, but there is a lot of background noise and so nothing happens...
Except for he said he liked me.
This could be he likes me or he needs to get ass.
Yeah.
We go the car wash so Sarah can wash off the puke that she left on my car. There is a soap fight.
Jeremy's white shirt is speckled with blue foam.
So is Ski's.
Sarah is wearing jim jams (that was all that was in my car).
And all I could find was a floor lenght ( I can not spell that word for the life of me I AM A FAILURE?) evening gown.
So we go to Hallmark.
And yeah.
I get home.
I dig him. THAT IS RIGHT DIG!
And tonight I shall see him again.
I love second hand words just as much as I love second hand smoke. He told Sarah that he liked me.
He is very smart.
This will mean that he will definitely get laid. Because now I am tricked.
Pictures later?
(I saw David, Michelle, and Ashley today. Wow, people are leaving and staying.) |
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| I told them all, the ones I love |
[Jul. 21st, 2006|08:46 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Azure Ray | ] |
So as I try to ween myself back on to the internet...
I shall hang out with Ski.
I am stoked.
And he tried to hang out with me yesterday. And he bitched that he could not reach me.
I love second hand words.
My outfit to impress (or really the laziness that is me to get ready.)
Ratty black converse that have been set on fire TWICE.
Gap jeans that make me ass look normal (sweet!).
A gap tank that manages to show my gut (which is amazing since I weigh 92 POUNDS!).
A boy scout button up over it.
A set of gold 10 karate wedding rings (big pimping).
A cross ring that flips...
And another wedding band on the wrong hand.
Oh and a pearl necklace that I received in a special edition The Secret Garden tape set when I was 10.
Now is that not awkward?
I will get banged tonight.
Or at least felt up.
Oh and pictures of tonight soon,
and my new hair.
That is not so new... |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 20th, 2006|08:34 pm] |
So.
An update.
I am going in a anti computer phase.
And I like a boy.
1) John. Problem. He only wants sex. He does not like me.
2) Mike. Problem. See above. Plus he is cross eyed.
3) Rick. Problem. See above. And I did have sex. And. Yeah.
4) Ski. David. I like him more than all of them. Problem. Best friend to Rick. And now must think I am a slut.
But he did kiss me.
And I will take what I can get. Even if does not like me. I can always pretend that he does... |
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| Bitches love me cause they know that I can rock |
[Jun. 19th, 2006|10:13 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | the pixies: where is my mind | ] |
So.
Let me just say.
I was driving home after dropping Katie off, with the windows rolled down and the pixies playing, and I knew a lot of things at that moment. It was the second in which you wish that another car would hit you and bend your car so much that they could never find your body. It was the moment in which you would never feel such excruciating pain in your whole life and that your death would last forever. And I wanted it. That is how I want to die. The death would be so perfect and I would be so happy.
Now that I have been exposed to my most childish of emotions, I can drop the feeling that I had felt so long. I can drop the word love into a pit deep inside my mind, I do not expect anything ever again from that disease of a word.
But, this may seem soon, there is though, this expectation. Now that I know this emotion is no longer existent, my mind is open to new wants that are inside of me. And these wants are so pure and beautiful that I can not wait for them to be expressed.
I want to be raped and pillaged and abadoned and touched and kicked and kissed and loved and hated and needed and lusted and destroyed.
And in turn I promise to take things as they are, never expect more than I can give.
I will feel lust and hurt and happy.
Those are the only emotions I ever want.
All others can suck me off.
On another note, he has pretty green eyes.
Do you know what I am trying to say?
I hope so. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 19th, 2006|06:43 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | the cranberries: zombie | ] |
So..
I will be leaving in a few and I am trying to massacre time, but the act goes on for what seems like forever. And frankly time is being selfish and refuses to die for the sake of my wants.
Shame on time.
To tell everyone the horrible exposed truth I am beyond nervous.
In my mind one of two things will happen.
1)The movie will suck.
2)He is allergic to my perfume and I am fucked.
All I want is one peck on the cheek.
Not that I care.
I just need human interaction, and though I love my friends I do not want Katie or Neda to make out with me.
Cause that would be so nasty.
So....
I mean come on, everyone knows what I am talking about.
The whole you have been with someone you cared about for so long that when it is over you are so alone and would love for someone to just brush up against you in a non-friendly way.
Not that I need this.
Or that I using him.
But I would not mind if he used me.
I want it to be night time so I can go pick up Katie and we can ride down the street with music blaring and the shitty windows rolled down.
I should clean out my car.
I love the summer nights.
What if he does not show?
Ah, I really would not be mad... |
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