I swear I will get up and out of the house and dress appropriately and take out my piercings and go look for a job tomorrow.
Which is Monday.
I swear I will try and I will talk to others and I will be courteous or at least not say anything at all even if I think it and know it to be true and they deserve to hear it.
Whenever I meet people.
I swear I will start saving money for the things that I really want and not get pulled into this impulsive tract that music and friends have set from me (no that I have set for them).
When I get a paycheck.
I swear I will study and work hard and put school first in order to make good grades and do something with my life and graduate as soon as I can and take full course loads and go to school even in the summer.
When (if?) I ever get in.
But I doubt my swearing will convince my mind of these things.
I need to go clean my room.
I feel so restless and alone and quiet and awkward.
Is this how it is going to be the rest of my life? Because if so, I wish to get shot by some gang-banger soon...
I was thinking.
I think too much, but yet not enough.
I talk way too much.
I should be more silent.
I say nothing.
And when I do speak it is redundant.
I do not know how to properly feel.
I should restart.
So from now on, my words shall be fewer. And my eyes shall be more aware.
I need to be aware of the things that I think.
I always have. Except for once. But I was tricked and I did not know better. I have learned. Boys do not know what they mean by the words they speak. I know how much I want to feel.
I fear most of the day. And I do not want to give up my fear. It makes me who I am. I flinch. I am prepared. I am unaware.
I am hard into someone. But I know better. People do not change their minds, especially when the initial thought was incorrect to begin with. I strive off of his infrequent small chatter.
I miss things.
A lot of things.
I am so confused.
But mostly I am afraid.
Right now I know, and I will say anything. I will not expect anything.
I just want to be touched.
I think this will be softness for a week or so more.
But I will not talk.
Calls will not be made.
I started crying while listening to OK I Believe You But My Tommy Gun Don't.
I think I should clean my room, regardless how long it will take my to develop a new system.
Why is is that when you are thinking of happy memories you feel more like a girl?
I think there is something wrong with my head.
I have been suffering from terrible migraines.
Which means that I force myself to hurl to feel better, and I hang out in my room with the lights off and the shades drawn. Which is astounding because I usually have the lights on all the time.
Not that I am afraid of the dark so much as I am afraid of what I can not accurately see. I have a great imagination when it comes to making up slightly deformed monsters.
When I am not in migraine monster mode I sleep for approximately 13 hours a day.
I only want to listen to Fergie and the song Wind It Up.
And I have fallen in love with Mos Def. I mean come on, how can you not dig the way his little facial hair does not really connect all the way through.
I am being pestered by unattractive men (not boys at all!) on myspace.
And I quit my job. Which means I have to now find two jobs.
But I have not left the house in days!
Nor have I changed.
But I have showered.
Just not, wash my hair...
I have been practicing shooting my Nerf gun. And I am getting pretty good with aiming.
I think that I may be going through a midlife crisis.
Or that I am emo...
I do not know which is which.
And the book that I have left to read, Lucky us bullshit. I know it is her memoir about being raped, I just can not get into it. And I have to finish it so that I can get rid of it.
Ah, I am sick.
And I am never sick.
I have a worse headache then the constant one that I always seem to carry with me. My throat is fucked up.
But I refuse to take medicine, I never get sick. So this does not exist. And I refuse to acknowledge it.
So I will hide all the pills they will give me.
All I need is tea and to suppress all coughing in order to get better.
On the train two boys took the opportunity to look up my dress. This is not good.
I think I am delirious.
I want to talk to someone.
I lost half a family, and now I am sad.
My life is going.
And it is gone.
So things are not what the seem.
And they are not going the way they should.
I am better.
But I am stuck.
Without being stuck.
I miss people.
I feel ALONE!
Being with family is great, I need them. I mean I want them. But there is a difference with friends, or maybe I am just really socialy awkward.
I feel like a stranger. Even with them, how will I ever adapt to the world?
My cousin snores...loudly...
I am not doing anything.
My stomach hurts.
And my mom is threatening me because I am gaining weight.
In other news, I have just watched all episodes of clone high, and I wonder how it stayed on the air for so long. But I really dig it and think that may be the reason.
And I do not have a Halloween costume. I hate Halloween because I am too cheap to buy costume, let alone remember to think of one. So...I think that I will not go as anything really...
Music to mention that I want:
The Go! Team
Ted Leo and the Pharmacists
I figure that I will download those songs that are floating around in my mind, when I get around to it.
I am just not into anything right now.
See argument for working at a hospital.
Basically I am going through this I need human interaction bullshit and that at a airport there are so many people all going someplace and yeah.
Plus I have just finished Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close by Jonathan Safran Foer.
Who I have decided is an extremely great writer.
Notice that I use the adjective extremely because that as the last word I saw while trying to think of something to describe how I feel. How original am I? (An actual question.)
Other news, I am on my period. I do not feel girly at all, I feel like a bleeding monster that is dirty and is scaring all the townspeople. In which case they will kill me because of their unknown fear that they have for me and because they do not realize I mean them no harm.
I hate the word realize.
I am taking up all the sexual energy.
Neda do you remember Xanga Journals.
I hate boys.
And I lost my debit card in my car. Which means I have to go get a new one. Unless someone knows how to dismantle a car door. That is right. I have dropped my card in the car door.